Maelani Bear arrived

I ordered the Maelani bear a year ago or more. At the time I was looking for anything that would provide me with comfort. I heard of Molly Bears, which is a great organization that sends a hand made bear the same weight as your baby.  I remember the first time I held Maelani, she was handed to me with all her million important tubes, wires and IV's that were keeping her alive.  I was terrified her ET tube would fall out and she would die in my arms. She was so tiny wrapped in many warm blankets and what struck me as I held her super still and afraid to move, was that she had no weight. When you hold a baby you feel the weight of them in your arms. I could only feel the blankets, warm in my arms.  I could see my beautiful girl, but I could not feel her because she was so light. I think only 1 lb at that point. I still remember holding her like it was yesterday. As I lifted the Maelani bear out of the box it to does not really have any weight in my arms. So light and perfect just like my Maelani. 

I can not say that the pain of losing her has lessoned, but maybe it has changed not so raw and in your face but more filled with questions that will never be answered.  I wonder, what would she look like now? Did her hair stay dark? What makes her smile? Would she like rocks and bugs like her Mom did? There is not a day in this home that her name is not spoken aloud. She is very much a part of this family. She is the little good angel that sits on Wyatt's and my shoulder reminding us to do good things and we are thankful for her reminders. She is so loved and missed. 

Link to Molly Bears http://www.mollybears.com/

Maelani Bear