It's October

Ahhhh the month of October, pretty leaves, wonderfull Fall air, hot apple cider and my sad feelings. They are still presant the month of October.  Maelani would be 5 this year, that is hard to believe. She would be getting ready for kindergarten and playing sports.  I have missed out on so much. It's funny the things I wonder about, like how long would her hair be? (Why do I wonder that) What is she good at doing? What does she love? Is she a good big sister? (Of course she is) I often make up answers in my head and wonder if they are actually truths being passed down from somewhere else. The place where I dream of her playing and growing as she should. I often wonder if my October grief is normal or if it is ever going to go away. Will I ever be able to go to a Hawkeye game and look at the children's hospital and not let a single tear fall? I don't know. I am considering talking to a professional to help me work this stuff out,  I think to my self it's been 5 years I should have it figured out by now. Grief is not linear I have learned that the last 5 years.  I have mostly normal days  and happy days, but I also have days filled with anger,  days all about why me, why her. 

   I miss not having new pictures of Maelani to hang on the walls. Kai's and June's  photos are always changing because I love to take their pictures, but Maelani has no new photos it's such a simple thing but to me it's a daily reminder she is not growing and it hurts. This year I worked on a ways to include Maelani in some images and I am pretty excited about it and I hope to do it with more pictures in the future.

I also want to share how excited I am about Maelani being included in the book Anchored by Kayla Aimee. I mean how cool is that. Maelani being in the book gives her a purpose a legacy that is written and will be around a lifetimes. Maelani made a difference and will continue to make a difference in our lives and other people she has touched. We will continue to pass along kindness, love and always remember 3:33.

http://www.amazon.com/Anchored-Finding-Unexpected-Kayla-Aimee/dp/1433686104/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1445547412&sr=8-1&keywords=anchored



Here is the original blog written while we were in the hospital
http://www.carepages.com/carepages/Maelani

Happy 5th birthday Maelani Rose. We remember you in all the moments of the day
We remember when we read book at night, in the quite moments and on vacation in the
empty seat. Sometime I see a butterfly and it's a simple reminder
you are alway present in spirit  and watching over us.
Thank you Maelani for keeping us  safe and always together.
We love you everyday.