October Feelings

October has always been a hard month for me since Maelani's birth. I always miss her, but when October rolls around I am reminded that she should be a year older, a few inches taller and blowing out her candles, but she is not. I cry, I cry a lot in October. I am angry. I am sad. I remember those 16 days she was with us like they were yesterday and I want them back. I want to be by her side. I want to hold her so bad its painful. I feel disappointed in myself that I can not hold my head up am smile right now, because I know that is what Maelani would want.  Wyatt and I have made it a goal that Maelani's legacy will be lived through us in the daily good we do, with kind acts in her name. But sometimes I can not smile, I cry. I cry for so many reasons. I cry because I wanted Kai to meet her and play with her and tell her secrets like sisters do. I want my little Maelani back, but she is not coming back and that is something that after almost 2 years I am still not comfortable with. I still think, it's not fair.  Why did this happen? Is she up there somewhere with my Great Grandma and Grandpa? It is so hard to put my feelings on this screen. To portray the rawness and how present the sadness is after almost 2 years. I hope someday I can get through this time with out these tears and celebrate her birthday as a birthday should be celebrated with fond memories and smiles.  As I sit here and cry I know it's not this year, but I hope its soon. I love you Maelani always and forever.