Unexpected Morning

Kai, you scared your Mommy today. You are only 10 weeks old and have already scared me way too many times. It would be ok with me if you never scare me again. Today at 5am when I walked in to see you because I thought I heard you squeak on the monitor, you were covered in blood. I don't mean a little bit of blood I mean A LOT of blood. My heart stopped, and I touched you and you were ok, and I breathed again. Then I yelled for your Daddy and the tears came slowly dripping down my face as I picked you up and held you tight, probably too tight and nursed you because you were hungry. What happened? You were fine at 2:30am. Sleeping all bundled up in your sleep sack.   What happened? We called your Dr Cole hoping he would tell us to see him at 9am in the office, since you were acting normal, but no he said go to the ER, so Mommy and Daddy headed to the ER. I prepared myself on the drive there, I knew they would draw your blood to check a CBC. I was not prepared. I was not prepared to see you screaming and having strange people around you holding you down and telling me they will be done soon so I could hold you again. I was not prepared to hear you hurting and not being able to comfort you.  It tears at my soul to hear you scream at the opposite end of the hall,  because I can not bear to be a bystander amidst your pain. As a your mom, I want to endure all of your pain so you don't have to feel it, but I can't. I can't protect you from all things that hurt and as a Mom that makes me hurt. I love you Kai and today I am sorry that you hurt.  I love you always and forever, Your mom

The Er could not find a source of the blood. All her tests were normal and we are going to follow up with GI and her Pediatrician. They think maybe reflux, maybe blood from my boob and put her on Pepcid. I hope to not ever have a repeat night like this ever again. To say I was scared would be a gross understatement. No one should have to find their infant covered in blood. My Mommy skills were challenged once again and I prevailed. 

See, I'm OK Mom